Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
You Might Also Like
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️