*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”