if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“I FIXED IT!”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”