I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.