me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Put this video in the Louvre
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.