I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Meow
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
thank god the sign was there
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches