Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
You Might Also Like
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…