Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
mumsnet is amazing
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Always…
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
The days of good grammer has went
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m crying im so happy for them