A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
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whatcha thinkin bout
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Nice try, NASA
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
no refunds
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.