Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I鈥檓 starting to think this guy isn鈥檛 even a real Uber driver.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
This fake stomach ache feels like I鈥檒l be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son鈥檚 favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
signs you鈥檙e dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can鈥檛 believe it… she鈥檚 a superhero
i think both sides are to blame here
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 馃檪
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I鈥檓 so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
When a waiter doesn鈥檛 write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that鈥檚 going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?