Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
This January has 47 Mondays
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.