me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
How to make infinite energy.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
lol
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.