WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Bill is short for Billiam
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own