DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
You Might Also Like
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics