If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Bless you
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.