I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
What the hell is going on?
12. I think about this all the damn time
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
#NoRestForTheWicked
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane