Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
This is sending me to another galaxy
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no