I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess