[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS