Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this