In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The “baby” on the left….
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Cheers Twitter.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets