At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
🤣😂🤣