“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
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*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.