a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!