Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Oh boy, $150,000!
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
British people be like I’m Bri ish
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.