him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
we’re gonna need another temp
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.