They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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Note to self: I am a note
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Only short people can save us
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.