I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
what it’s like dating me:
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Weighing up my bread heating options
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*