[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog