“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
This classic never gets old . . .
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.