My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….