If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license