Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
WHO DID THIS?
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.