If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!