Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!