Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever