The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*