ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’m being attacked 😭
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.