This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I have questions??
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge