i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.