getting groceries
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
waiting for halloween be like:
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
What my back needs
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.