A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?