Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever