“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
You Might Also Like
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]