“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
excuse me
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !