[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Whoa 😂
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.