Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.