Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
He just like my cat fr
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon