Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.