Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.